Please don’t be thrown by the title and click away. The title is intended to be an attention grabber, because I really want you to listen to what I am sharing. I assure you that the content is good, or at the very least thought-provoking. This is one of the realist posts I have written to date, and it sums up everything-about everything-about everything, in a single thought – We Don’t Know Shit! So, what do I mean by this? I will explain soon enough. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with the thoughts/ideas that I will convey here. It isn’t even a matter of opinion to be debated, but a matter of fact. It is the only fact that we can be certain of, in fact.
People who know and exchange dialogue with me about deep topics on a regular basis, or even those who come in contact with me briefly and we happen to engage in philosophical-type discussions regarding life, death, humanity, existence itself, religion or spirituality, have all heard me state this very same phrase – “WE DON’T KNOW SHIT!” And really, we don’t. How do I know this to be true? Well, it is the only truth there is when you really stop to think about it. And you know it too, but you just haven’t accepted it. I finally have, and I am at peace with it. If you are honest with yourself, I know you will agree. I have accepted that what I believe is because I have chosen to, not because I have to, or because I know it is truth. All I know is that it is truth for me – and again, only because I have chosen to make it so. It has nothing to do with any connection to some greater truth. I AM that greater truth that is One with The Greatest Truth – no separation. Whatever it is, I am a part of it and it of me; whether it is what we call ‘GOD’, or something that is far more undefinable. I quickly digress, however; remember, I don’t know shit, either!
This ‘We Don’t Know Shit‘ phrase often rises up from the very depths of my Being and most often out of my mouth when discussing religious or spiritual topics with others – those things beyond the physical. But even when we scale it way, way down – macro to micro – it actually applies to every single thing we think we know. Even to things that seem so definite and assured, such as science and mathematics. This “knowledge” is known only according to our own human perspective, a perspective that I feel is vastly limited; it is only a fractional sliver of that which is unknown to us.
Most of this “knowledge” we claim to have, has been acquired from (or passed down to us by) those who’ve come and gone before us – our predecessors. There is some value in this, but it is all subject to scrutinization for finding self resonance. This is a very important point because the brief extent of our lives offers a very limited window for understanding, or even contemplating, questions like:
- Who and what are we? Humans? Are we sure?
- Why are we here?
- How do we get here other than through a woman’s womb?
- How does all that we eventually become, begin inside of a single cell?
- Who or what is behind the mystery of life?
- What happens to me when it is over?
I would imagine that much of what has been given to us was also passed down to those who are giving it to us, with of course a little embellishment sprinkled in. Right? I mean, surely we cannot be so naive to believe that the stories we have been given are all 100% factual. Storytelling is a huge part of the fabric of our culture and heritage, even dating back to ancient times. Human Beings are highly creative creatures, and it appears that they are by nature storytellers. And nothing makes a story better told than mystery and drama. We all love a good mystery! Think about it…how do television executives know that plugging in a commercial break precisely at the height of the discovery of another clue to a looming mystery, or just as an important crease in a drama-filled story begins to unfold, is the best way to keep you “tuned in”? They know how to keep viewers holding on, waiting to hear the next piece of the story. Because they know that suspense lures its viewers in and keeps them engaged. So viewers run to the restroom, grab a quick snack, check the dinner in the oven, (or pause the DVR) and rush to plop back down in front of television just as the 120 minutes of commercials has elapsed. All great stories are told in this very same manner. It is the art of intriguing interest, manipulating human emotions, and deepening the connection to the story. So, to believe that any story we have been – or are in the process of being told – is 100% true, accurate, or infallible, is completely naive. Not to question these stories, or to take them too seriously, is also unintelligent. It is a blind and bumbling walk into ignorance – and no matter what you have been told, ignorance is NOT bliss. Even though we are all ignorant. It sounds contradictory, I know. But life itself is a big, organized, contradiction. Can you see the dynamics within this interesting dichotomy I am attempting to paint here for you? This work of art clearly depicts that NOTHING is true, yet at the very same time everything is – but true only to the individual experiencing it; who has chosen to make it true, thereby making it their reality.
It is pretty obvious to me that something of far greater Intelligence is at work behind the scenes of everything we see, feel, hear, touch, taste, and experience in our Universe, as well as what we do not see; but what that Intelligence is, I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW! Some could argue that there is no such thing as an “unseen”, and they are right – for themselves. I personally believe there is much more to this all than meets they eye. Since the beginning of time (whenever that was), this question has left humans dumbfounded and perplexed. And time – what is time anyways? The way humans track and perceive time has even changed throughout history; calendars have changed; the number of days in a particular month and year have changed. Once upon a time each of the twelve month only had 28 days – 30 or 31 days were unheard of. The rotation of the Earth on its own axis has shifted, which therefore affects how we perceive its 365 revolutions around the sun making what we call a year. Time used to be tied strictly to the planetary movements, which it still is for the most part. So we don’t even know what time is. Every time we think we know something, we soon find out that – We Don’t Know Shit! Einstein argued with his Theory of Relativity that the time and space continuum is illusory, that these are just concepts of physicality and don’t really exist in the True Universe at large. Some ancient spiritual teachings even claim that the sole purpose of Time and Space is to slow down (or create) chronological time as we now experience it, so that we can experience it. They claim that the speed at which our planet is spinning is what allows physical matter to form and exist in the solidity that our minds perceive it. So you see, it is all about perception, and how one person perceives can vary greatly from how another perceives. This would explain, in a nutshell, the multitude of beliefs that blanket our planet today.
This all boils down to a few mildly profound and complexly simple points; when we approach and comprehend life in the following way, we can avoid much self-inflicted suffering and finally begin to heal of ourselves as a creation:
1) Accept the fact that YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT - relax, it’s OK.
2) Accept the fact that what you think you know, was given to you.
3) Consciously choose to believe whatever you wish, and accept the fact that it is a choice – no more, no less.
That’s it – it’s really that simple. Though billions take comfort in the belief that there is a Supreme Being at the head of all of this; there is really no evidence that this Supreme Being actually exists – whether in this Universe, in other Universes, in higher planes of existence, within us, in parallel Universes, behind this curtain of obscurity hiding all we think we know and what we don’t accept that we do not know. Well, yup, as I see it, all of the above are True, and it is all embodied in one form/non-form, and that form/non-form is Love. Love-Is-All-There-Is. I’m just being real and honest with you and with myself. But what do I know….Not-Shit!
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Here’s The Problem: This problem is fundamentally two-fold, as I see it.
Fold #1 - Obsolete/outdated Architecture. We are educating our children using a broken and fragmented system left over from the Industrial Age and is continually band-aided, piece-milled together, and applied to a youth that is clearly far beyond it. Example: The way that a ringing bell notifies students that it is time to move on from one class to the next (regardless of whether the student has learned what is needed). This system is consistent with the bell that was rang inside of factories during the late 1700s to early 1800s, to notify workers to move on from one point of the assembly line to another. This is the pattern after which our current educational system was formed. As a species we have outgrown it – the education system needs a complete overhaul – but very little attention is given to this issue. Instead we have come to promote and reward mediocrity via legislation such as the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. The system is consistently re-designed to dumb our students down. Kids are not robots or drones, and standardized testing cannot be used to determine levels of intelligence; they can only measure an individual’s ability to memorize information and apply it to a test.
Fold #2 - Misappropriation of Funds. Over the last several decades we have observed a significant increase in the The United States government’s efforts to shove federal funds toward our youth from numerous angles, attempting to motivate them with promised future benefits with the use of commercial images bearing an ideal of material success and a “bright future” via earning a college degree – which is discreetly accompanied by instant post-graduation debt. This part is cleverly left out. It would seem that this is a great thing – they are helping our children to achieve, right? Not. When these images are all our youth is seeing and dictates how they are learning to shape and define success and personal worth, how can they possibly turn it away? Surely not without strong and WISE parental or other influences to the contrary – note that I said WISE. Many parents do not possess wisdom, and to no fault of their own necessarily. Our youth are constantly led to believe that money = success = happiness, while at the same time we see a lost/directionless, unhappy and unhealthy, indebted youth. Money becomes the dangling carrot driving our youth to seek knowledge, degrees of higher education just to attain more money and more “stuff”. Education surely has its place, there is no denying that; a certain level is needed to gain the basic skills of maneuvering through life in many parts of the civilized world. But the value we have placed on it today is far too great in my opinion. We have failed to include in our education package, a very key and critically important element. I will talk about this more later in this post.
The Burden of Debt: The student loan debt that follows the majority of college graduates today, becomes a hindrance to what should be the beginning and building of a relatively stress-free, professional career or entrepreneurship. The young adult is still feeling her way around in the adult working world, and to be burden down with student loans, even considering rolling deferments, is quite disadvantageous. This professional commencement for young professionals should be bubbling with learning opportunities in their chosen professions, not with trying to manage an enslaving debt that was created out of ignorance and that now becomes the inescapable noose around their necks. Many have to move back in with parents until they are able to find employment that will enable them to live in a place with other indebted roommates and still manage the debt created from the pursuit of their illustrious education. The loose manner in which these funds are awarded (much like what caused the housing market crash a few years ago) has placed an immense strain and pressure on the financial wheels that run our economic machine, and in turn also returns this same strain on the American people to provide the oil (or money) needed to keep it running. This “oil” is not only the principal being paid back into the system, but the interest that is owed along with it. The majority of which is paid back to The Federal Reserve Bank, a private corporation that loans the United States government money at an interest rate. Many people don’t realize this fact – don’t believe me, look it up! Federal Reserve Bank.
College graduates in 2013 will graduate with much more than just a degree that guarantees neither success nor even a decent paying job to aid in the repayment of their student loan debt; but it does guarantee an average of around $28,000 in debt per graduate on average. With interest and minimum payments over a 20 plus year period, the total paid back (if ever fully repaid – most aren’t) will easily double, if not triple. Besides the purchase of a home, this is likely the most expensive debt they will take on in their entire lives.
Debt is one of the primary ways of keeping this slave-like foothold on us firmly in place. The earlier in life we can be locked into this debt continuum, the easier it is to keep us there. And what better time to get us than when we are striving toward the next major step in our lives, knowing that we will do what it takes to get it done. They have created debt whores of us. It is no coincidence that several years ago student loan loans were declared ineligible for inclusion into a bankruptcy filing.
Solution: Education should be FREE! Point blank, period!! Let’s just make that crystal clear. Now, how can this be accomplished? Easily, and I’m glad you asked. If the United States would simply keep its troops in the homeland instead of imploring “democracy” in other countries around the globe, we would have an abundance of funds available to provide every single child in this country the opportunity to pursue higher education if they so choose – FREE of charge. We spend reportedly over $1 trillion annually on funding wars and conflicts, provided support, etc outside of our own country. Now, let me say this, I do believe that to whom much is given much is required; and that we should protect those who might be unable to protect themselves. So I do agree that we as having so much, should be concerned with the well-being of other nations. That is the noble thing to do. But when those countries can’t get it together enough, and their fighting starts to take food out of the mouths of those at home base, here is where I have a problem. Simply put, we would save at least a trillion dollars a year by ceasing to participate in foreign affairs at the warring level. Some people don’t desire peace, and ya just can’t force it onto them like talking about it. I don’t claim to be an expert in foreign affairs, nor do I claim to fully understand all of its complexities. But one thing I do know is that there is usually the option of walking away from a fight, but we war for reasons other than “democracy” – but that’s another post for another day.
Lastly, we must implement a school of Wisdom into our public and private school systems. No educational institution should receive a red cent of federal funding without meeting this minimum requirement, and no student should be granted a diploma, certificate or degree without proof of having mastered these fundamental pillars on which we will found this new educational framework. A more holistic approach to learning and living is in extreme need of being infused into current generations and passed down to future ones. The teaching of science, math, social studies, and language arts is only an education in part, and teaches nothing about the life lessons we need. It totally ignores other important aspects of the human being that need great attention and development along the way. A much more conscious view of our environment, the world, and of each other, must be supplanted over the current teaching methods. This way of thinking and teaching is Life Mastery; it is wise, and it is the way in which highly evolved civilizations operate. So we need to catch up with the pace of evolution that we claim we are at. Even though we are technologically advanced, we still operate as lowly evolved beings. Wisdom should not only be learned at home, it must also permeate the classrooms walls and the hallways in our educational institutions. What will your part in carrying forth this mission? Collectively, nothing is beyond our reach; we need only to make it a priority, make a plan, and take action.
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Ok, call me a conspiracy theorist if you want…some of you already do and others are probably thinking it; but I still Love you. But I say there is a little more than just “theory” going on here. As some of you already know, 11, 22, and 33 are very important numbers in Numerology. They are often used in various ways in occult rituals and esoteric proceedings. The Principles of Numerology refute the idea that any coincidences or randomness exists in our Universe. True or not, there comes a point where the evidence showing something a little deeper must be taken into more serious account. One event that had ritual symbolism written all over it, and one we all will never forget, was 9/11 (9+1+1=11), when the twin towers were allegedly bombed by two commercial jet airliners (which was a complete lie in my opinion–but, I digress). I wrote about it here if you’d like to read more.
Are we so naive to think that it is coincidence that the number to call in an emergency is 9-1-1 (9+1+1=11)? It seems someone really has an affinity for numbers. This could have been any set of numbers imaginable, but these were specifically and consciously chosen for a reason – and I’m not saying right off that this reason was a sinister one. The number 33 is significant and carries some interesting coinciding similarities with several notiable and historical events. 33 is considered a “Master Number” from a Numerology perspective, as well as are the numbers 11 & 22. Ironically, the number 33 represents the highest level one can reach in the Masonic fraternity; there are 33 vertebrae in the human spinal cord; and 33 was also the age of Jesus Christ at the time of his crucifixion/death (according to the holy bible)…Mastery of the Self. Do you find any of this to be ironic or merely coincidental? There were also ritualistic events that took place at the 2012 Summer Olympics in England, but that isn’t the focus here. You can research that for yourself and find your fill on that. Here is one link I will share on that. These symbols are very often displayed in hidden sight, and during major events at major venues to garner the peak amount of human minds at one time viewing the same event. What better way to reach and send a message to the masses than this?? Without a trained eye to notice these symbols/signs/messages, or at the very least an awareness that they even exists, one can live their entire life totally oblivious to it.
I bring all of this up to point out a more recent ritual that occurred at an event all of you were probably tuned in to this past Sunday – the 2013 Super Bowl. Well, this was Super Bowl 47 (4+7=11), so perhaps it had special meaning. It would take place on the 11th day, or 2/23/2013 (2+3+2+0+1+3=11). Do you recall the power outage that lasted exactly 33 minutes, and the game that resumed at precisely 9:11 PM.
Now, the NFL is one of the richest and most profitable organizations on the planet! And you mean to tell me that they didn’t have the absolute best sound and lighting crews in the world producing this entire event from start to finish?! So why did something like this still occur during the biggest sporting event of the year?? During rehearsals of Beyonce’s halftime show there were reportedly two power surges that took place and a loss of power was experiences. So the experts had more than ample time to fix whatever the power “issue” was. But they didn’t. Were they rehearsing the actual outage? Therefore, I believe this was intentional. It was to send a subliminal message to all of those who still slumber, and let the ones who are awake know that they see You, too. I share all of this to say only one thing — “WAKE TF UP!”
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Here is Part III to the previous article, “Surviving A Painful Break-Up or Divorce – Part II”
7) Re-frame Your Perception of Love - This is ALL about you…every…single…experience. Everything we go through and everyone we meet are nothing more than a detour sign pointing us to our Self. So learning to fully and finally Love you in this process is paramount! When all is said and done, the only person you can truly change is YOU! We can try, try and try again, but we simply cannot change others – not our parents, our siblings, our friends, our spouses/partners, neighbors, not even our children. We can do many things to try and manipulate others to change, but whenever they finally decide to take action to change, it has absolutely nothing to do with us. Though our ego would like to think it did, and that’s perfectly OK. Change truly begins and ends within.
One of the major side effects of our flawed perception of Love, is that we often times, though inadvertently, force others to conceal who they are. Doing can sometimes even nudge them into lying to us. They will lie in order to satisfy what they think we want to hear and/or see in them. If they feel the possibility that judgement might follow a particular decision or action of theirs, they will hide it so as to avoid such judgement. We see this all the time. I firmly believe that people can change, but sustainable change must be initiated by the individual themselves; if not, the change will only be temporary. People must want to change. They must see a deep need for personal transformation. So, can we change our perception of Love to a more accurate one? Of course we can…if we want to. We can do anything! And I know first-hand that it is possible. Because I did it, and so can you!
Re-framing your perception of Love is a huge building block in the healing process. By deciding to redefine Love in your mind, and then meditating on this new thought that there is a better and far less painful way to view Love than you once did, you can cause new, differently programmed neurons to begin forming in your brain. Yes, new scientific findings are showing proof that we have the power to re-wire our entire neuronetwork system and our physiological and genetic make-up by the way we choose to think, practice, and/or perceive a thing…anything! These newly formed brain patterns inherently change the way we cope with similar experiences when and if we encounter it again.
My personal bout with heartbreak and “Love” inspired me to take a much more in-depth look at how I had come to define Love, and what I believed Love to be. In my opinion, the vast majority of our world has a flawed perception of what Love is. Much of my Life Coaching techniques revolve around this aspect of human behavior. We often feel that if someone really Loves us, they will change who they are, the things they desire to do and how they do them, in order to suit us or the situation. This is not Love. I am not saying that there is no compromise in Love, because there is. But this compromise is far less than most of us believe it to be. It can be very frustrating for someone to try so hard to perform certain things in a certain way to meet their partner’s expectations of how they think that thing should be done. The pleaser can be left feeling like a failure because they are unable to do it exactly like they like it, or the way they would have done it. Love simply appreciates the effort put forth by the pleaser, regardless of whether the results are identical to what was hoped for by the pleasee. Loving someone does not mean we are to stay there and take abuse from the one who claims they love us. Many of us base our Love for another upon them meeting certain conditions, but are totally unaware of it. These conditions are unconsciously and secretly hidden. Our lack of awareness is what ruins many relationships. That, is not love; love is not based upon conditions. Ego seeks conditions to build love around; love doesn’t need to be built – it is the building. Example: A man may feel that his female partner does not really Love him and respect their relationship if she decides to keep her other male friends in her life after entering into a relationship with him, after he has perhaps expressed his desire for her to terminate those relationships. Even though these two or three guys have been a part of life for several years prior to meeting him. Again, this is not Love, but an attempt to control. Love is not offended by such, it actually is excited to allow that person to decide what they feel is best for themselves, trusting they will do what is best for the relationship they share together. If something your partner is doing doesn’t feel good to you, the first thing you should ask yourself is “why…why does it bother me so much?” Only you can truthfully answer that question anyway.
Real Love cannot be earned, it can only be given…and only given freely. Love does not have a need to be felt in order to be accepted or validated. The ego is the part of us that feels a sense of “less than” when it doesn’t feel that “Love” is being reciprocated. Real Love only gives, it doesn’t care what is given in return, and it continues loving even if nothing is standing there to greet its smiling face. Real Love is ecstatic with just Being. Real Love knows that it alone is enough, and that nothing else can complete it, for it is already fully complete.
If you can wrap your head around this perception of Love, plant it deep into your psyche, I can almost guarantee you that every single relationship you are involved in – now or ever – will in no way compare to any in your past. Be true to yourself, study yourself, analyze your choices, your feelings around certain circumstances. I am referring to your relationship to everyone and everything, not only romantic relationships. Each relationship will have no choice other than to be more zestful, fulfilling, rewarding, blissful, rich, full of life and zeal. Because you are no longer experiencing your relationships from a constant state of fear and expectation, but you will begin to find complete solace in living your life in a state of giving.
8) Allow Yourself To Love Again - Once you have worked to perfect the Love that you are, now it’s time to take this new way of perceiving Love and put it into practice! What better way to see if it really works than to give it a try? Take your time, and start socializing a little more heavily. Again, be careful not to come across as desperate, but definitely make your openness evident.
There is a mechanism that is built into our physical construct that warns us when a bad or threatening feeling we have felt before is on the horizon – good feelings as well. The negative ones seem to get more of our focus, however, because pain is somehow more memorable than is bliss. Most are not aware that the reason they are attracting the negative is grossly due to the fear they have of attracting the negative. This mechanism is designed to help protect us from any perceived danger, and encourage us to go in a different direction in order to avoid the negative feeling (or pain) again that we have associated with the experience. It is a part of the physical survival instinct that comes pre-packaged with the non-physical Life Force pulsating inside of us. Example: when we place our hand on a hot stove for the first time and are burned as a result, whenever we feel or sense anything that resembles the possibility of that pain again, the brain sends a “lookout” signal to protect the body from potential pain. The very same happens when we are hurt emotionally. We naturally want to protect ourselves from experiencing that hurtful, negative feeling again. But as I mentioned earlier, we have the power to reprogram our minds over time by generating new neuro pathways in our brains that can minimize this fear of being hurt again. The way to do this is to lean into the discomfort that is being anticipated. There is no fear in Love, remember? I would never encourage one to subject themselves to physical harm, but hurt emotions will not kill you. So lean into the discomfort, for this is where the possibilities are; somewhere tucked in between the possibilities of being hurt again, live the possibilities of experiencing Love on a level you never have before. If you never fully open up to these possibilities, it is unlikely that it will ever happen. But you mustn’t squeeze so hard so that Love can’t grow. You must let go in order to let Love in, let it breath, let it live.
Today, I have very little fear of being hurt again, but I do have an extreme case of reluctance to hurting someone else. Knowing that most people will take a decision to move on from a relationship as a personal knock against them, I have chosen to wait until I attract someone who sees Love in much of the same way I do. Even though I have whittled away most of the fear I once held onto so tightly, there are still challenges. Doing this took time, so be patient with yourself during the re-building process. The time it takes to reach this point can can vary greatly for each individual.
9) Get Out There & Play - Deciding to “get out there” again cannot come from a place of “thirst”, neediness, or desperation. People can sense this energy emanating from you, and it can be a very unattractive feature to wear. If you are feeling needy at all, go back into the wood shed and keep chopping away, perfecting your perception of Love. The last thing you want to do is market a massively unfinished product, or market a lie. There will always be updates and modifications to be done, but stepping out as a raw piece of unfinished wood does no one any good, especially you. When you have finally learned to comfortably Love yourself (and you will know when you have), you will receive a confirmation within that you are complete and whole, all by yourself, regardless of anyone else’s opinions of you. You will notice a snug confidence (not an arrogance) in knowing that the only reason you seek out a partnership is to bring another whole to your now wholeness, and not another half to your half to complete you. You must be complete all by yourself.
Find encouragement in the fact that there are literally billions of possibilites out there for you to choose from in terms of potential partners. This thought should enable your patience to set in really strong. There is an entire world out there, with so many people who are willing to move, even relocate across seas in the name of Love! The Internet and modern aeronautics have mushed our world so much closer together, so much so that someone could be in Asia today, and then laying across your sofa within the next 24 hours. We have a greater understanding of foreign cultures and lifestyles than any other time in recorded history. We are truly a global society. I have met some wonderfully amazing women from all over the world via the power of the Internet. There is absolutely no shortage of interesting and incredible people on our planet from which to select. The pool of candidates is literally endless!
Honestly, this is a part of the process that I am still working through. I know what it takes to get out there, but I just have not made a conscious decision yet if I really want to. There are days (even weeks) that I do, and other times that I just don’t care to. So I have chosen to date casually for the moment, just for feminine companionship. But in each encounter I remain completely open to the possibility of experiencing Love in the form of a romantic relationship. If you feel you are ready, then by all means take the leap! Good Luck!
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Here is Part II of the previous post…
Tip #3 is critical, for yourself and for others. Injoy!
3) No New Relationships; You Are Toxic! - And I mean this! I recall my therapist at that time calling me “toxic” during one of our sessions. She vehemently instructed me to stay out of any kind of serious relationship for the time being. I recall a feeling of denial welling up inside of me as those words spilled from her lips and into my ears. My ego was highly offended with being labeled as “toxic”; it repelled the notion immediately. My ego spoke loudly in my head, saying, “she doesn’t know what she is talking about, I am in complete control of my emotions, and I will know when I am ready.” My ex-wife and I had been (emotionally) separated for several months at that time, so in my mind I was totally ready – NOT! I was far from ready. I was longing deeply for the closeness, connectedness, and companionship of someone – I was searching for a better-feeling place than where I was. She had provided this to me for years, and her not being there for me left me feeling sad, empty, alone. I felt abandoned, but I would ultimately come to understand and accept that she did not abandon me at all, she only found herself. And sometimes finding yourself requires a clearing out of your space, which can sometimes include relationships/people, things, even marriages.
We’ve all heard of the term “rebound” relationships before. I never believed much in the concept until I experienced it personally. When our romanticized version of love knocks us down and there is seemingly no way to get up, we tend to lean on something or someone outside of ourselves to help prop us up. We don’t feel we are strong enough on our own, so we seek strength externally. This can drain the energy from the good relationships we may have in tact. This is also why it is so common for prisoners to attach to religion or ‘GOD’, even certain relationships (on the inside and outside) while incarcerated; they develop these pseudo relationships with “GOD” while on the inside, but not long after they are free, they return right back to the life they were living before being incarcerated. It is because what they found wasn’t real, unsustainable. This strength you seek doesn’t reside outside of you; it is inside and just waiting for you to access it.
Guilty as charged: I allowed myself to become involved in a few of these “rebound relationships” before I realized what I was doing, and that I was actually loaded with toxicity. I wasn’t only hurting myself and others, I was also delaying my own healing. I attempted to give my heart (that I felt had been thrown away) to a really wonderful woman, but after failing and hurting her in the process by pulling away in fear, I finally slowed down enough to pay closer attention to the relationships I became involved in, and how I would become involved in them. The feeling of being wanted and needed by someone again was overwhelming, and it caused me to do things I would not have normally considered. In this toxic state, our minds are driven in many different directions. It can be very difficult to logically sort through things as we normally do. This causes chaos.
In order to avoid getting involved with anyone at any serious level, I began to seek out relationships with women who perhaps had also been hurt and were in a similar place mentally and emotionally as myself; women who only wanted closeness and intimacy, but without the commitment or expectations of a serious relationship. So I went online and began searching for various dating sites that connected people who were looking for the same thing as I was – emotionally unattached relationships. I was shocked to find so many resources that could temporarily fill this perceived need that I had. I choose to refer to it as a “perceived need”, because as time passed on I would discover that I didn’t need it at all- at least not in the sense of needing that most of us think in terms of. There were so many wounded individuals out there who were looking for love in all the wrong places, just the same as I was. So try really hard to avoid relationships of any kind, and just focus on YOU instead.
4) Discover New Interests - We tend to lose a part of ourselves when we merge our lives with another in serious relationships, especially marriages. The word “marriage” carries a certain energy with it. It carries a fairytale and fantasized ideal of what love is. It brings with it expectation that can be very difficult for any human to live up to, and by not being able to do so we open up the door for disappointment on both sides of the fence. What’s worse is that most of us enter into these relationships before understanding who we are to begin with, and when the break-up occurs, we try to return to the person we were before entering the relationship – but that wasn’t who we were in the first place either. Now there are at least two layers (possibly more) that need to be peeled away before discovering who-we-really-are at our core.
Being single again can present us with amazing opportunities to reconnect (or connect with for the first time) our true, authentic self. I strongly recommend that during this down time with yourself, you find new things to become involved in. For instance, I became more involved in community volunteering; I budgeted a small sum of money each month to take a roadtrip somewhere – mostly day trips and in natural settings. Sometimes I would travel alone, and other times with a friend or two. Becoming more connected to nature is also incredibly therapeutic. After all, nature is a mirror of ourselves. Do something creative. I began writing and singing again, something that I really love and hadn’t done in years; I began to learn Spanish at a higher level- still working on this one. Thanks to a great friend of mine who had moved to Dubai, I was able to take my first real (non-cruise) trip abroad. Work on home improvement projects, get involved in recreational sports, work with the youth. Search for new things that interest you. Step outside of your comfort zone. If you are not much of a social person, push yourself to become more social. Make new acquaintances and friends. These new relationships can come to be very beneficial as you maneuver toward finding yourself.
5) Express Yourself Creatively - This is something that is necessary in general, whether going through a tough time or not, but even more so when we are experiencing pain. Therapists and counselors often encourage their clients to write, or draw, knit, or find some sort of creative outlet. We are all expressions of consciousness, and everything else around us is also. We all have a highly creative essence within us, though many of us have not tapped into it yet for various reasons. We come from the origin of Creation, so therefore there is a need for us to express this, for expression causes expansion of the very consciousness that we are. When we resist expression, we limit our expansion. If you are angry, find constructive ways to express the anger; if you are sad, let the tears roll freely; if you are feeling depressed, lay in bed an extra 15-20 minutes some days; if you just want to scream at the top of your lungs, climb the nearest rooftop, hill, or mountain and do just that! If you want to just sit up and bitch, moan and complain to someone about it, find a bar on the other side of town and bend a complete stranger’s ear for an hour. I guarantee you that The Law of Attraction will lead you to just the right people and provide just what you need in every moment. The key here is not to ignore or suppress whatever it is you are feeling; find a way to express it openly and freely. But there will come a time to begin detaching. And you will know when that time arrives…if you are listening.
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