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Why You Should Let Them Go…Really

August 6, 2012

I will never forget the day that my now ex-wife, and Love of my life, came to me and said, “babe, I’m not sure if I want to be married to you anymore; I just don’t feel I love you the same as I once did, not the way I believe a woman should love her husand. And you deserve that kind of Love.” You know what? She was right, I do. I will never forget those excruciatingly painful words, nor the swift and concise actions that would soon follow; they would send my entire world into a tailspin for the next three years of my life. I would struggle to find meaning in my life outside of her and the beautiful life and family we had co-created.

Serious bouts with depression would occupy my days and nights, and destructive thoughts that had never entered my mind before were starting to consume me. No one could tell me that Love wasn’t the cruelest evol on the planet! I made myself the victim in every way possible. I needed to feel “wronged” for some reason. But as badly as I wanted to make it all about me, it simply wasn’t, not directly anyway. I had subjected myself (and the Love I had to give) to being judged by another. The way I had Loved her was being measured in a sense, and heavily scrutinized. Was it fair? Well, it really didn’t matter whether I felt it was or wasn’t fair. It just was. And it was upon me to accept or reject it ultimately. It didn’t feel good, but I accepted it.

After many months of desperation and discovering many new and intriguing things about myself, our world, and about life in general, I would eventually come to a point of realisation that I was the one who had caused myself so much undue pain and suffering, not her. It was really all on me, no matter how badly I wanted to see her as the cause and to vilify her in my mind. At the time I did not understand that her decision was about her, not about me. It was about me in an indirect way, as the experience would contribute greatly to my growth, but this was her feature film on showcase, and I was just a part of her supporting cast. Did I benefit from it? Absolutely! I received super Self expansion from the experience. Sometimes we have to learn to play second fiddle, but we can still reap hefty benefits. In all of our relationships, we are co-creating, and it is on us to figure out our role in each short story or novel, and then siphon from each episode what we need before moving onward. Are we the star, co-star, supporting cast, or an extra? These are questions we must determine the answers to.

Let’s face it, there is no easy way to break a heart. So instead of appreciating the fact that she tried to come to me in an honest and relatively respectable manner, listening to her genuineness, and Loving her enough to set her free, I immediately went into “fix it” mode just as most men do. When I discovered that I couldn’t fix it, and even worse that she didn’t want me to, I became frustrated, defensive, and interpreted every consecutive action as a personal attack against my character. My good old ego immediately whipped out its trusty sword and shield, ready to fight to protect itself in what it perceived as an all out personal assault on me. Blinded by my pain and anger, I wasn’t able to see that her decision had very little to do with my value as a person, a man, a friend, a father, a husband, or any of that. Maybe it did in the way she valued me, but I would come to learn that my Self worth and value was far more important than how she valued me. This entire deal had everything to do with what she wanted for herself going forward in her Life. And even though she said things that caused me to question my worth and who I was, only I had the power to give it any truth. I had the power to dead it right in its tracks if I wanted to, but instead I gave it life. Shame on me for doing so.

I learned from this experience that when someone decides to move on from a relationship, it is best to step aside, politely open the door for them, hand them their bags, and wish them well. Resisting is really not the answer because it only makes the one leaving frustrated that you won’t honor their wishes and let them go. They have already decided they want out…so let them out. Especially when it come to a woman, because they don’t typically walk away unless they’ve put extensive thought and contemplation into all of the possibilities they can potentially foresee. When she finally approaches you with her decision to leave, in most instances she has already looked at it from just about every possible angle. In my case, we share kids together that we both Love and adore, so I know she put a tremendous amount of effort into trying to stay and make it work; if for no one else, for them. But was that what I wanted? Did I value myself that little? At the time I could not see this because my ego and pride had me gagged and bound. I was in for a long and painful ride, on a roller coaster that I built totally on my own and with no prior roller coaster building experience!

I discovered that the fundamental issue with me was that I didn’t truly Love and value myself as I should have. I thought I did, but through my inward journey, I realised that I really didn’t. I also didn’t fully comprehend what I brought to the table as a friend, Lover, husband, mate, father/co-parent, partner, or else I would have been OK with her leaving. If I had only valued me properly, my ride would have been quite different. We ALL bring value to the table for each other. Even those of us who remain in abusive relationships bring valuable lessons to each other. After being in one of those, you should surely know how to avoid them going forward; they should become pretty recognizable. Yet some people walk out of one and right back into another abusive situation. But that is their choice. Eventually they’ll glean from it the lessons they are supposed to, or else their suffering will continue.

So just because one person in a relationship decides to move on, does that tell the entire story of your existence? Of course not. It just means that they have made a decision they felt was best for themselves at a moment in time. They felt they wanted and/or needed something different in the continuation of their journey. Perhaps they felt something was missing that you perhaps could not give to them. But that’s OK, because whoever is next for them won’t give to them some of the things that you did. There is always something missing in any relationship…that is, until you find You. Your True Self is the only true fulfillment for that inner incompleteness we often feel. I couldn’t determine for her what it was that was missing, or why being with me didn’t stroke her heart strings any longer. And in the beginning of her shift, I’m not sure she even knew. She simply knew that the magic she once felt with me had dissipated, and being with me no longer felt good to her. So who was I to stop a grown a** woman from doing what she felt was best for her? I had to become OK with her decision, and realise that it was not a reflection of who I was. I had to find solace in knowing that I was good to her, not perfect, but very good to her and for her for the period of time we shared. And I believe she would agree; our amazing children are a testament to it as well, as they possess the absolute best qualities of both of us. I always wanted the best for her, and to see her happy and smiling…just as I still do to this very day. That’s what real Love does.

The next time someone changes their mind about being in a relationship with you (whatever kind it may be), contrary to what you may have previously agreed to, don’t look at yourself and ask, what is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I make them happy? Why doesn’t he/she love me anymore?” Don’t get me wrong, we should continually evaluate ourselves, and work to become better partners and better humans in general. But also stop to think that perhaps it isn’t about you. Maybe it’s something they are lacking in themselves and are on a quest to find it and the next phase of their journey to find that may not include you. Accept it, and allow them to go on with their life in whatever direction they choose. By not letting go and by holding onto the past, we literally cheat ourselves out of all the joy and Love that is sitting right in front of us just waiting to be had! You are not inadequate in any way, shape or form. People have the right to choose whatever experiences they want to have. After all, isn’t it their life? Buckle up!


20 bradfordspoke 12

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