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Surviving a Painful Break-up or Divorce – Part III

December 6, 2012

Here is Part III to the previous article, “Surviving A Painful Break-Up or Divorce – Part II” 

6) Forgiveness & Acceptance – We cannot allow our ego to prevent us from realizing our freedom from a thing. Forgiveness foreshadows Love, and without one the other cannot exist. If we may, let’s look at this militarily: Forgiveness is the “grunt”, in that it precedes Love in clearing and securing the desolate battlegrounds heartbreak can often leave behind, enabling Love to enter in uninhibited. In a military setting, the grunts are the frontline soldiers, the ones who sacrifice their lives for the greater good of the battle. They know there is a strong possibility they will not come out alive; they are fully aware of their purpose. They work to detect landmines and other booby traps that the enemies may have set. Very much the same, in healing from heartbreak, Forgiveness works to ensure that there are no envy or malice booby traps looming because love will not survive. Its purpose is to protect Love, to make sure that it can not only live in the new environment, but flourish. In order for Love to show its beautiful face, the pathway must be properly carved out and the grounds made fertile again. Without the foresight and courage of Forgiveness, Love cannot truly abide in any space. In other words, without first allowing Forgiveness to take root in your heart, you will be spinning your wheels, for everything you attempt to plant in the name of Love will only whither.
Next, is to accept. Accept not only what has occurred and how it made us feel, but also accept what decisions it appears the other has made for us. We always have a choice of whether to accept or reject a thing.  Acceptance = Peace, Rejection = Suffering. It really is that simple. When we fully accept something as what it is, and just allow it to be, we find ourselves in a place of total, unshakeable Peace. If we are not experiencing this sort of Peace, we should contemplate on our Forgiveness and Acceptance of the thing.

7) Re-frame Your Perception of Love – This is ALL about you…every…single…experience. Everything we go through and everyone we meet are nothing more than a detour sign pointing us to our Self. So learning to fully and finally Love you in this process is paramount! When all is said and done, the only person you can truly change is YOU!  We can try, try and try again, but we simply cannot change others – not our parents, our siblings, our friends, our spouses/partners, neighbors, not even our children. We can do many things to try and manipulate others to change, but whenever they finally decide to take action to change, it has absolutely nothing to do with us. Though our ego would like to think it did, and that’s perfectly OK. Change truly begins and ends within.

One of the major side effects of our flawed perception of Love, is that we often times, though inadvertently, force others to conceal who they are. Doing can sometimes even nudge them into lying to us. They will lie in order to satisfy what they think we want to hear and/or see in them. If they feel the possibility that judgement might follow a particular decision or action of theirs, they will hide it so as to avoid such judgement. We see this all the time. I firmly believe that people can change, but sustainable change must be initiated by the individual themselves; if not, the change will only be temporary. People must want to change. They must see a deep need for personal transformation. So, can we change our perception of Love to a more accurate one? Of course we can…if we want to. We can do anything! And I know first-hand that it is possible. Because I did it, and so can you!

Re-framing your perception of Love is a huge building block in the healing process. By deciding to redefine Love in your mind, and then meditating on this new thought that there is a better and far less painful way to view Love than you once did, you can cause new, differently programmed neurons to begin forming in your brain. Yes, new scientific findings are showing proof that we have the power to re-wire our entire neuronetwork system and our physiological and genetic make-up by the way we choose to think, practice, and/or perceive a thing…anything! These newly formed brain patterns inherently change the way we cope with similar experiences when and if we encounter it again.

My personal bout with heartbreak and “Love” inspired me to take a much more in-depth look at how I had come to define Love, and what I believed Love to be. In my opinion, the vast majority of our world has a flawed perception of what Love is. Much of my Life Coaching techniques revolve around this aspect of human behavior. We often feel that if someone really Loves us, they will change who they are, the things they desire to do and how they do them, in order to suit us or the situation. This is not Love. I am not saying that there is no compromise in Love, because there is. But this compromise is far less than most of us believe it to be. It can be very frustrating for someone to try so hard to perform certain things in a certain way to meet their partner’s expectations of how they think that thing should be done. The pleaser can be left feeling like a failure because they are unable to do it exactly like they like it, or the way they would have done it. Love simply appreciates the effort put forth by the pleaser, regardless of whether the results are identical to what was hoped for by the pleasee. Loving someone does not mean we are to stay there and take abuse from the one who claims they love us. Many of us base our Love for another upon them meeting certain conditions, but are totally unaware of it. These conditions are unconsciously and secretly hidden. Our lack of awareness is what ruins many relationships. That, is not love; love is not based upon conditions. Ego seeks conditions to build love around; love doesn’t need to be built – it is the building. Example: A man may feel that his female partner does not really Love him and respect their relationship if she decides to keep her other male friends in her life after entering into a relationship with him, after he has perhaps expressed his desire for her to terminate those relationships. Even though these two or three guys have been a part of life for several years prior to meeting him. Again, this is not Love, but an attempt to control. Love is not offended by such, it actually is excited to allow that person to decide what they feel is best for themselves, trusting they will do what is best for the relationship they share together. If something your partner is doing doesn’t feel good to you, the first thing you should ask yourself is “why…why does it bother me so much?” Only you can truthfully answer that question anyway.

Real Love cannot be earned, it can only be given…and only given freely. Love does not have a need to be felt in order to be accepted or validated. The ego is the part of us that feels a sense of “less than” when it doesn’t feel that “Love” is being reciprocated. Real Love only gives, it doesn’t care what is given in return, and it continues loving even if nothing is standing there to greet its smiling face. Real Love is ecstatic with just Being. Real Love knows that it alone is enough, and that nothing else can complete it, for it is already fully complete.

If you can wrap your head around this perception of Love, plant it deep into your psyche, I can almost guarantee you that every single relationship you are involved in – now or ever – will in no way compare to any in your past. Be true to yourself, study yourself, analyze your choices, your feelings around certain circumstances. I am referring to your relationship to everyone and everything, not only romantic relationships. Each relationship will have no choice other than to be more zestful, fulfilling, rewarding, blissful, rich, full of life and zeal. Because you are no longer experiencing your relationships from a constant state of fear and expectation, but you will begin to find complete solace in living your life in a state of giving.

8) Allow Yourself To Love Again – Once you have worked to perfect the Love that you are, now it’s time to take this new way of perceiving Love and put it into practice! What better way to see if it really works than to give it a try? Take your time, and start socializing a little more heavily. Again, be careful not to come across as desperate, but definitely make your openness evident.

There is a mechanism that is built into our physical construct that warns us when a bad or threatening feeling we have felt before is on the horizon – good feelings as well. The negative ones seem to get more of our focus, however, because pain is somehow more memorable than is bliss. Most are not aware that the reason they are attracting the negative is grossly due to the fear they have of attracting the negative. This mechanism is designed to help protect us from any perceived danger, and encourage us to go in a different direction in order to avoid the negative feeling (or pain) again that we have associated with the experience. It is a part of the physical survival instinct that comes pre-packaged with the non-physical Life Force pulsating inside of us. Example: when we place our hand on a hot stove for the first time and are burned as a result, whenever we feel or sense anything that resembles the possibility of that pain again, the brain sends a “lookout” signal to protect the body from potential pain. The very same happens when we are hurt emotionally. We naturally want to protect ourselves from experiencing that hurtful, negative feeling again. But as I mentioned earlier, we have the power to reprogram our minds over time by generating new neuro pathways in our brains that can minimize this fear of being hurt again. The way to do this is to lean into the discomfort that is being anticipated. There is no fear in Love, remember? I would never encourage one to subject themselves to physical harm, but hurt emotions will not kill you. So lean into the discomfort, for this is where the possibilities are; somewhere tucked in between the possibilities of being hurt again, live the possibilities of experiencing Love on a level you never have before. If you never fully open up to these possibilities, it is unlikely that it will ever happen. But you mustn’t squeeze so hard so that Love can’t grow. You must let go in order to let Love in, let it breath, let it live.

Today, I have very little fear of being hurt again, but I do have an extreme case of reluctance to hurting someone else. Knowing that most people will take a decision to move on from a relationship as a personal knock against them, I have chosen to wait until I attract someone who sees Love in much of the same way I do. Even though I have whittled away most of the fear I once held onto so tightly, there are still challenges. Doing this took time, so be patient with yourself during the re-building process. The time it takes to reach this point can can vary greatly for each individual.

9) Get Out There & Play – Deciding to “get out there” again cannot come from a place of “thirst”, neediness, or desperation. People can sense this energy emanating from you, and it can be a very unattractive feature to wear. If you are feeling needy at all, go back into the wood shed and keep chopping away, perfecting your perception of Love. The last thing you want to do is market a massively unfinished product, or market a lie. There will always be updates and modifications to be done, but stepping out as a raw piece of unfinished wood does no one any good, especially you. When you have finally learned to comfortably Love yourself (and you will know when you have), you will receive a confirmation within that you are complete and whole, all by yourself, regardless of anyone else’s opinions of you. You will notice a snug confidence (not an arrogance) in knowing that the only reason you seek out a partnership is to bring another whole to your now wholeness, and not another half to your half to complete you. You must be complete all by yourself.

Find encouragement in the fact that there are literally billions of possibilites out there for you to choose from in terms of potential partners. This thought should enable your patience to set in really strong. There is an entire world out there, with so many people who are willing to move, even relocate across seas in the name of Love! The Internet and modern aeronautics have mushed our world so much closer together, so much so that someone could be in Asia today, and then laying across your sofa within the next 24 hours. We have a greater understanding of foreign cultures and lifestyles than any other time in recorded history. We are truly a global society. I have met some wonderfully amazing women from all over the world via the power of the Internet. There is absolutely no shortage of interesting and incredible people on our planet from which to select. The pool of candidates is literally endless!

Honestly, this is a part of the process that I am still working through. I know what it takes to get out there, but I just have not made a conscious decision yet if I really want to. There are days (even weeks) that I do, and other times that I just don’t care to. So I have chosen to date casually for the moment, just for feminine companionship. But in each encounter I remain completely open to the possibility of experiencing Love in the form of a romantic relationship. If you feel you are ready, then by all means take the leap! Good Luck!

LOVE,

20 bradfordspoke 12

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